Raw
As I sit at my table staring at this computer screen, I begin to type. I begin to write. I have touched base with things in my trauma and PTSD. I have figured out that when someone pushes for love and light all the time, they are just full of Bull Shit. Total, and utter bull shit. They are just so fucked up they cannot even remotely see what trauma and their own selves look like.
Taking even a minute to look at yourself in the mirror takes courage and all that I see when I see them is pity, because they will never have the courage to see the ugly to see the good in themselves. I give myself a Voice. And I ask that those that say only love and light respectfully fuck off. This path is NEVER all love and light, it is about the Dark too. You cannot have both to not have the other. Brining in the "Dark" can give you courage, power, will, perfection. It can tell you things about yourself that you never knew or you did and could never heal.
When you take the time to look in the mirror you can see what is there and confront it to heal for the betterment of yourself. When you heal yourself you can heal others in that respect.
I have done a dream ritual to better communicate with that dark side of myself that I have ignored. I have neglected. And I have started to speak to that self and he is not okay. That is okay. We will get through this together and with help where needed.
Pride is the number on enemy in this instance for myself because I do not take help. I do not ask for it. I do not usually want it because I have had to "deal" with the trauma by myself. Through the power of therapy I have noticed different triggers and traumas that I have never dealt with, even as a child.
I do not know how to deal with some of that, and I have just put it on the back burner. Ashamed to deal with it even. The one thing that I have inside is my Voice. I can be so angry, so determined that I don't stop to take a minute to analyze the part of me that I ignore when I do this. I just keep plowing over my Shadow Side. My inner self that has had to deal with it. I need to talk to him and help him just as much as I need to help myself.
With all this being said, I am still just sitting here listening to some Evanescence and drawing some courage to handle it. I am not okay, but yet, I am okay. I must continue this battle within to fight ones that can be without.
The first thing I have noticed while writing this is the word Pride. What does this word bring up inside me. It brings up furry, power, hatred. That is what it has been taught to me in most instances. That the word pride is something to be turn your nose on. But, why is pride so bad? Why can't we just have some pride in life? Why can't I take the time to admire and be prideful in my appearance. Taking pride to a whole new level and take pride in my emotions. Like hate, furry, and power. It all has a negative connotation to it that has been programed for a long time.
It is never wrong to be prideful in your work. It IS wrong to be so prideful to hate your work. Easier said than done yes? Correct, it is not meant to be easy. If talking to your Shadow side was going to be easy it would be all love and light.
There is nothing wrong with love and light, but to dismiss the dark side of yourself. To let it fester and destroy the love and light within your heart, then you will never be effective in this path.
You MUST confront that dark side. Talk to him/her/them, let them know it is okay to not be okay. That you are there to hold them up in this healing process. Healing can be so easy and yet so hard, especially from within. That is why I must ask for help when needed.
I let my pride speak for me, when I don't know how to speak. I must give my Voice some truth to speak. I can't let that programing take over and allow myself to not ask for aide.
As I type this some of you may think, oh my gosh I need to help. Wrong, if I ask for it then it is okay. Consent is key. I am not writing this as a cry for help, but a means to start delving into my triggers and my traumas. I ask that you have patience and follow me on this journey of self discovery. Trust I will be using Tarot to help with this. I have my Key Tarot and Mystic Sisters oracle deck ready to go.
I have the tools and the start to the means. I have recently done a dream ritual, thanks to the Witches Box, and I hope this will help me understand myself better. To heal Sean. Me. I am sure I will know things I may just hate, but I also have the power to forgive. To better yourself is the ultimate war. So, let's begin!
First and foremost you must be in the "right" mind set, but how do you even determine that? Well, do a tarot spread! That can help, or maybe use a pendulum and phone a friend! Take the time to know when you can handle what you are about to learn and prepare. Next take the time to cleanse yourself after and take some self care. There are many things you can do! Personally, I love to take baths. Through in some salts and lemon zest to take out the sting you just experienced and heal thyself. I love Teresa Reed's book, Tarot for Troubled Times. It is a great starting point if you want to incorporate the tarot into healing that damaged side of yourself that you refuse to see. There are many ways that you can use tarot and that book breaks it down great!
After all of that, just journal! Talk to your damaged side through words. They are powerful. Do dream work! That is what I did for 7 days before I went to bed. I used a spell bottle, put it next to my bed. Felt the intention slide into the bottle and take out the power of the ingredients and went to bed after I meditated with the bottle. I then woke up, sometimes a few, and wrote down the dream. I have yet to do the shadow work with the dreams, but when I do I think I will share. Just because typing it out will be a means for me to heal and know myself. Some things I will not share, but most of it I shall. Some things are only meant for me and me alone. Thank you for sharing this with me, that is the help you can give me by just reading along and coming with me on this journey.
Post by: Sean E.
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